A Stranger to Herself by Hilary Bailey

Author:Hilary Bailey
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
Published: 2013-08-14T16:00:00+00:00

Kate Higgins, June 1st, 1991

I’d been in Brighton for four days and there was still no news of Sam. After days of confusion and sporadic fighting by the British army, and agitated diplomacy by Britain, America and the United Nations, there was now an official UN resolution stating that Britain had no right or duty to employ its army in an internal conflict in Belize. Troops were to be withdrawn immediately while the United Nations met to consider its position.

The embarrassment of the British government was over, although immediate withdrawal of the troops was not possible in reality. The airport and harbour at Belize were still being fought over, air force planes couldn’t get in, British troop-carriers were cruising a mile off the coast waiting for a chance to land. Official statements said that British troops had withdrawn, or were withdrawing to their bases in Belize where they would remain until it was possible to leave. This sounded all right, unless you hadn’t had news of Captain Samuel Rogers since the outbreak of the conflict.

At Brighton, mostly because of Ray, we lived the way people do when they’re waiting for news – trying to be natural, sometimes even believing for hours that things were really normal, sometimes overcome with anxiety, not talking about the situation, so as not to upset each other. For my part, I felt all I needed was for Sam to die, leaving Ray fatherless, while I conducted an insecure relationship with a glamorous and heroic journalist and tried to make a dubious living in London. Selfishly, I cursed Sam, and the army, for turning me into a soldier’s girl, dockside weeper, the woman whose whole life has to pay homage to heroes. I hadn’t asked Sam to be a soldier. The newspaper talk of our Brave Boys in Belize didn’t help. If poor Sam died a dirty death in some pathetic little war that need never have happened, I’d be the one to pick up the pieces.

I suppose this was the point where I might well have thought of Andy’s proposal – but I didn’t. From Brighton, it looked like a fantasy. I hadn’t heard from Andy since I’d left London. When I rang the paper they said he was on leave; the answering machine at his flat gave out the usual neutral message, that he’d ring callers back as soon as he could. Even now I can’t understand why I didn’t include Andy in my thoughts about the future. I can’t claim to have been guided by any deep, womanly instinct, running below conscious thought. I was perfectly rational, in the way women have to be rational – weighing other people’s thoughts, feelings and general trajectory, and their own, and all the practical considerations, short- and long-term, and all possibilities and probabilities attendant on all the aspects. Somehow the possibility of life with Andy didn’t weigh very heavily in the scale-pan.

I just did what I could in Brighton: stayed with Ray, helped about the house, worked as much as I could on the life of Violet Levine.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.